Over the past 13 months I've been on a series of ups and downs, I get these great revelations about moving forward and making grand decisions and then... something else happens and I dive down into the depths of my depression all over again. There are few people who actually read these so I feel a little more at ease I guess for just putting it out there.
I never thought I'd be living my life single in a cheap apartment with amorous acrobatic elephants living upstairs. I never thought I would be alone and NEVER thought my husband that I did so much for and spoiled so intensely would find me not worthy enough to be with anymore. I never thought he would leave me because I became "less than perfect". We had talked about if one of us were to become disabled and how we'd always be there for one another. To hear him profess his love for me but that it was no longer THAT kind of love, tore a hole in me that seems to sometimes just swallow me.
To watch him move on as if the last 12 years were of no significance, burns thru my heart. The very weekend after he moved me into my apartment (after having me live in my own home in the guest room for 3 months) he met and started dating "her", yes... the very next weekend. They go everywhere together and do all the things that I had wanted to do with him over the past 7 years that we were together. Things he had always made excuses for as to why we couldn't do. He has purchased things that we could never afford because of me and my medical expenses (and yet he has to pay out more now, than he ever did then, in spousal support). When he parades around town in "our" group of friends with her on his side and I am left to spend my time alone in an apartment in tears.
Every time I look to go do something in our community of friends, he's already responded to the invite with her. He's taken everything away from me and she is living my life. Living my life with him, sleeping with him in our bed, in our house that I picked and repaired and decorated and did the yard work etc on, and with my cats, with my friends, doing all these things he wouldn't do with me because he was embarrassed of me, or I wasn't worthy of, or because I supposedly didn't want to do or whatever it was.
He was supposed to sale the house and all would be done. Instead I am still on the mortgage and it's still legally my home also. She has quite a few of her belongings that stay there now, (only know this because I have had to go over to pick up a few things here and there) the last time it was her dog (he would never let me have a dog because we had two cats and there wasn't room in the house for an indoor/outdoor dog, yet she has a great Dane/lab mix (awesome dog not his fault that the owner is who she is). Her yoga mats (because she is some crazy ass health and fitness nut (which is completely opposite of who he is/was), her laundry soap, and other miscellaneous things.
He claims to be my friend still and he claims he doesn't want to hurt me and sadly I truly believe this is true, she on the other hand is amazingly passive aggressive in her behaviors towards me online, on FB especially (tho in person is oh so sweet, kind, caring and "sincere"), and I'm sure she fools him with that as well when it comes to me. That attitude of being so sickeningly sweet in her counteractions to my words or posts, she does so on her page within a short time period of my posting something about what I'm going thru or posting a meme that signifies how I feel. She'll find one to counter it, or make one. Everyone that is in "our" group of friends seem to think she hung the fucking moon, that she is this perfect person who never does anything wrong and is sincerely this wonderful amazingly positive person who would never ever treat someone negatively or even hurt a fly.
Yes after he jumped into the relationship with her so quickly I looked and found comfort in the arms of someone who would at least tell me I'm pretty, at least found me attractive, and wanted me would treat me as if I were worthy of being by his side in public with friends (and at first treated me well. (Then that all changed... go figure) I wanted what I had not had in the last 7 years. To go from hearing your husband tell you how sexy and gorgeous and hot etc daily and not being able to keep his hands off of you to literally within a few weeks never saying it again because you had a tumor and brain surgery. So yes I jumped at the first person that shows me better. I made that mistake and I am ashamed of those actions for a few reasons, one it makes me a hypocrite to call him out on his jumping into it with her before the divorce papers were even final. And it wasn't real, it was a facade, it was a mirage for me to escape the pain. Though not a very successful escape, I still cried almost daily even while I was "involved" (which by the way was with my youngest son's father who eventually showed me he had not changed only gotten worse!!!) And today I still find myself in tears regularly. I have more bad than good days still. I have people who think that I should just be "over by now". People who think that well he's moved on why can't you. WELL the reality of that is that in his heart he moved on the minute they put me on steroids before my surgery and when I didn't just "magically' loose the weight gained from that and go back to the exact same person who didn't face death head on, who didn't have deficits and needed support.
I don't blame "our" friends, we had couples for friends, not single people, so he and his new found significant other fit in with those friends and I do not. It's not that they have chosen to take sides (I don't think, tho I may be wrong because I'm not there to know what is being said etc.) But I'm alone, and I do not have anyone that isn't a couple to spend time with. My options are to either being at the same place/function/party as "THEY" are and it destroying me inside, go out and about alone to strange places with strange people or become the hermit that I am in this dinky apartment in the not so great part of town, because it is what I can afford. While he continues to live in our house making no effort to put it on the market or even refinance it. I was kind enough to not fight for it (my mistake) and force the sale immediately. We also had a horrible attorney that did not do the decree properly and it is now too late to file an amendment, we had an amicable divorce because we were staying friends.
One strange thing that came out of all of this is that I gained a sister, one who taught me a lot about who her brother was, about their childhood and things that in 20 years should have come up in some conversation at some point. She and her husband see me as family more than her brother. We do not use the term "in-law" because she is not happy with him and his actions and her husband is VERY upset and angry about it. Because when they got married she ended up getting sick later and he could never imagine leaving her. It's for better or worse and love conquers all (for some). I got to go up there and spend 10 days having a wonderful time with a "sister" that I never had.
Yes this is a novel, it is me releasing or as some would call it ranting and others would call it dwelling and refusing to just "get over it". I spent 20 years being friends with this man and 12 in a relationship and 9 in the marriage. In 20 days we would have been married for 10 years. A milestone that he destroyed. If I could find the OFF switch, damn I would flip it so fast. I don't want to feel ever again, I do not want to feel this pain. I've been hurt in every relationship and marriage by things such as infidelity and abuse and more, and now this. I broke my own rule and tried it again and this was the outcome.
My art, my jewelry have been pushed into a dark corner, I tried to come out of the whole for a brief moment but it didn't' last long at all. Then I had this really weird thing happen and that is this strange urge to write, something I had not done for I think somewhere around 15 years. And this is what came out. (I'll shut up about the rest for now, I hope you can forgive me for needing to release but it is called a journal.) -- Oh and for the typos or strange sentence structure or misplaced words I tried to edit, but my disability makes that hard sometimes.
No more Demons
by Pamela (Pfalzgraf) Keller
When your demons from past and present take over your life,
they don't have to swallow you whole,
you have a choice to take control.
Don't be timid, don't be shy, throw back your head
and say goodbye to all those monsters,
replace them with positive thoughts, love and control.
Don't be afraid, don't despair,
there are always better options.
I know because I've been there,
in the past and in the present.
It's not about being a victim or a survivor,
it's about how you live your life,
it's about how you feel inside,
how you care for and treat others.
Everyone handles life in their own ways,
judgement on how... is not our place,
People talk bad about social media
but my reality is that sometimes its where I become grounded,
inspired to move forward in my life.
For me it's not a deity that takes control, it's me!
Because even a deity can't do it alone,
We all have our own work to do.
I am not going to apologize for the length of this journal entry, because well like I said before ... it is a journal.
Many blessings and may peace and happiness be with you all.