Journal Entry: Thu Aug 21, 2014, 9:20 PM
You know... "grief and mourning" is something life just hands us, whether it is a death of a loved one or the death of a pet, or child, or the loss of a friend or the loss of a relationship or marriage. They all have one thing in common, the stages it takes to get over it and move on. Not forget, but move forward.
Now I am not going to say any of it is easy... I know for me it has been hell. But now that I've past the initial stage of pain, sorrow and lots of crying. Now mostly thru the second stage of anger and hurt and betrayal and moving on to stage three... I'm gettin' over it and moving on. (mind you that doesn't mean 1 & 2 don't rear up their ugly little heads here and there but it's brief.) Many things have been pointed out to me over the last four months, some of them I was quite aware of and prided myself on, not realizing it had became what "defined" me.
Now I'm in my own apartment and at first all I could say is "this is not my home" and now... it's still not quite home and far from comfy at the moment, but it is my new life... the beginning stages of finding a place in a life I've never lived before. A life where I'm not obligated to take care of anyone else. No kids to cook for, no time schedule to keep, nothing I have to do other than pay bills and taxes (and eat occasionally), nothing to hold me back other than my own fears (with the exception of the obvious physical ability and money). I was told that it was my time to do for me and that I've spent way to long giving to everyone else and that it was my time to learn to receive. .
I had a conversation with an old friend who said, if I had four days to plan an "in town" vacation where I were taken out... where would I want to go, to make a list and think about what would make me smile. I never thought that it would be hard to think of something like that. But strangely it is. Because my immediate thought process is, but who else is going and what would they like to do, what would they want, what is inexpensive, I don't know how to make my brain work any other way. And I'm sure it won't ever, it is who I am. But the conversation made me realize that's the way it's always been. Some of that is good... too much of it I guess becomes a liability instead of an asset.
I was told that I am being given a new life and it's gonna be different, it's gonna be scary, it's gonna be new, but it's for me. Personally I feel like I've been pretty selfish lately in all my weeping and whining to others, but I guess that's a different type of thing.
The future is unknown to me... its scary ... and makes me want to run and hide. I don't know how to live life any different than I have been. Not in any form of sanity and safety at least. lol I refuse to let myself fall in that direction again. One I'm too old for that and two I think I learned my lessons there.
I have ZERO desire to get involved with anyone, I have no desire to ever be in another relationship. And tho it may be something some think is unrealistic, its what I've gotta do for me. Now that doesn't mean I won't date, go out for dinner or movie or dancing. Just means no commitment, no heartache. And I will continuously make that a known fact... out loud and clear. Not that I think I have much to worry about, at this stage of my life and in this day and age, real dates are a thing of the past, chivalry is basically dead, and things are done in a jump in and run with it way, and that ... is not gonna be.me.
Anyways, I've rambled, just figured it was time to replace the last entry!